


Forgive Me

by OnceUponMyDayDreams



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Family Feels, Fix-It of Sorts, Kind of a fix it but then it took on a life of its own?, Mom Regina, Oq, Outlaw Queen - Freeform, Regal Believer, Romance, The best of Regina Mills, mommy Regina
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-12 19:03:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12966297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceUponMyDayDreams/pseuds/OnceUponMyDayDreams
Summary: She tried to push away the images of him standing between her and his 'wife' and yelling at her. Zelena's tricks didn't matter; he had chosen a dead woman while she'd been holding on to a taped together page of what he'd given her as hope. And she screamed, cried and clawed at her chest. And she didn't know if she could forgive him for tearing her apart again.OrThe one where Regina finds it hard to forgive Robin but still has to deal with what he did and her sister being pregnant. She tries to make a life for herself, even finds someone else, but of course, her pull to Robin is just too strong.-I know this was so long ago and all but I actually wrote the first chapter right after 4x19 'Lily' where she goes looking for him and she finds out about Zelena being pregnant. I decided to finish this story, and it's take a different turn in my head, and I just hope you enjoy drama, angst, lots of smut, and Regina being the best mother in the world.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set right after 4x19 Lily

She slowly pushed the door closed with a soft click, her fingertips numb against the smooth surface of the white, polished wood, her other hand barely registering the harsh contrast between her warm hand and the cold brass handle. She stood still there for a few minutes, body rigid, leaning a little on her arms with her hands still against the door. She could feel a torrent of emotions swirling in her chest, in her heart and mind, and it was so strange, just standing there, feeling her heart squeeze as if it was physical pain, her throat tighten, eyes fixed on the white door, unable to actually focus on her emotions, and feel them. It was too much, and her breathing was so steady, because she couldn't seem to expand her lungs too much without it hurting. She knew she was a bow strung tight, and anything would set her off. She didn't want to breathe too deeply; it threatened to break the bizarre calm. So she focused on breathing, shallow breaths, in and out, in and out, and stepped back from the door.

Her heeled boots clicked loudly against the shiny floor, echoing in the big empty mansion as she very, very slowly stepped back from the door and into the house, each slow, shaky step accompanied by an exhale, an inhale, shallow, each breath shorter than the next, and she knew she wouldn't last long. Up the few steps to the dining room, not really caring where she was headed, just keep moving… She tried her hardest to push away the images swirling in her head, of him standing between her and another woman and yelling at her, telling her that- No, she cut off the memory before it became full in her mind's eye. But the adrenaline and the rush of this crazy day had worn off, the pain in her chest was becoming more acute, like spasms that threatened to bend her over in pain, and she tried to breathe through it, through the tears pooling in her eyes, didn't dare close her eyes lest they spilled over. Exhale, inhale, too shallow.

She stopped though, placing her keys on the dining room table without even realizing what she was doing, her hand froze as she let them go. And she panicked, knowing the damn was going to break. What was she thinking turning down Henry's request to come home and telling him to stay one more night with the Charmings? She should have taken up Emma on her offer to accompany her to bring Lily to Mal, she should have gone to check on Belle and made sure she hadn't said anything about her heart and their deal. Anything to keep herself busy and avoid this moment, this happening right now where she was starting to hyperventilate and the tears had overflowed and her knees were giving out and she had no control as she doubled over, barely catching herself when she fell to her knees as agony worse than any physical pain rippled through her, and she opened her mouth to scream.

But on her knees, in the dinning room of her home, one hand on the floor and the other pressed to her chest, she couldn't utter a sound. It was a silent torture, as images of him protecting his 'wife' swirled before her eyes, his harsh words echoed in her ears and his blue eyes rejecting her as he moved closer to her sister. And she didn't even matter. And finally she screamed, a full pained cry, because it didn't matter what Zelena had done, it didn't matter what tricks she had played. He, all by himself, wholeheartedly, had once again, chosen a dead woman over her.

And she screamed, cried out and clawed at her chest, clawed at the cold floor, screamed and cried and sobbed, pushed the table besides her in rage and made the vase topple over from the table and shatter into a million pieces, and it didn't matter, she knew it did but right now it didn't, he chose her again, and she had been so stupid, holding on to hope, while he was fucking another woman, and she screamed louder as imaginings of him on top of her sister flashed in her mind, her magic relishing in her rage and anguish and unleashing, and she saw him loving her and touching her like he once did her, and all she heard was her blood rushing in her ears, not the explosion and glass shattering. He's been making a happy family while she's been looking at a taped together picture of what he'd given her as hope for them. And she cried louder, enraged with herself, not registering the strain to her throat and warmth spread in her veins as fire consumed her and she's been such a fool, she's been so stupid here looking for a way, for something, for anything, losing sleep over memories of them together, holding out, holding on, and he's been fucking another woman. And she screamed a tormented cry, long and loud and anguished and it faded it out into broken sobs, and she was warm, hot and her tortured sobs wouldn't let her breathe, it was becoming difficult to breathe, and she coughed, coughed and coughed and her rage disappeared as dread spread through her because she couldn't catch her breath and her vision cleared, and everything was in shades of orange and yellow and burning red and she couldn't breathe because of the smoke.

Suddenly there was a hand on her shoulder and she was snapped out of her daze even though she couldn't breathe, and the hand was shaking her and someone was calling her name and trying to pull her to her feet just as her magic finally reeled back into herself, her rage gone once she realized what was happening and the fire was gone, but she was dizzy, coughing and not taking in any air, the smoke strong on the objects charred by the fire and she was lightheaded, being carried in someone's arms and when fresh air hit her lungs, she almost chocked on it with relief, gasping and failing to get her breathing back under control.

She managed, eventually, and finally focused on the person in front of her who had guided her breathing until she had taken back control of her basic instincts. She looked away, embarrassed, avoiding eye contact and realized she was sitting outside on her front door steps, and he was crouched in front of her where he'd been holding her chin towards him a moment ago trying to get her to breathe.

"What are you doing here?" She snapped, feeling too exposed and vulnerable, and weak, tired, exhausted, and her voice was sore, her throat burned. She could feel the tear tracks on her face, sticky and dry. Her eyes burned, they were surely red, and she was in desperate need of a tissue, sniffing back snot in the most undignified way. She dismissed her thoughts from earlier, about being around people to avoid her emotions and her pending break down. She really did want to be alone, she wanted to lock herself up and lick her wounds, she didn't want anyone seeing her like this.

"I would apologize for coming over unannounced, but considering," he didn't finish the sentence, he didn't have to. "I think it best we take you to a healer, you inhaled a lot of smoke."

She rejected the idea quickly, snapping at him again, refusing to let another soul see her like this. "I'll be fine, I'll just magic this whole mess clean, including myself." She said, avoiding his helping hand as she stood up and looked into the house through the open door and shattered windows, seeing burned curtains and broken vases, the polished brown of the dining room set stained with black, and the walls… she looked down, ashamed. She had lost it completely, and her heart clenched, the momentary distraction wearing off and the memories coming back, the pain coming back. And it was crippling.

"Regina, I saw Robin at the camp, he didn't say much, but I figured…" again, he didn't finish his sentence, and although she was grateful that his talking to her once again momentarily distracted her from the full impact of everything, the topic wasn't helping. "And I just wanted to say I was sorry, and see if you were all right."

"I'm fine." She snapped again, but then reconsidered her reaction, knowing he was just trying to help. "Thank you." She added in a softer tone, still avoiding his eyes and surveying the damage. She needed to clean it up now, quickly before anyone walked by and saw this mess. She didn't need anyone else on her about this. "Thanks Dale, but I really need to start cleaning this up."

He got the message loud and clear, she noticed he knew when not to push her, and he softly albeit reluctantly bid her farewell and slowly started to back away. And she was relieved for half a second, walking up the steps just as she had no more than half an hour ago, before the dread squeezed at her heart again and she went stiff, everything coming back and she focused on her breathing again, tried to handle it all like an adult and she willed her feet to keep going but she was petrified, already tearing up and –

"Dale?" She asked almost timidly, fearing he'd be too far by now, but his answering voice reached her quickly and when she turned around he was already briskly walking back towards her and finding something else to focus on, anything, no matter how insignificant, the pain and the sorrow and everything crushing her to the ground lessened its impact, even if just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

" _Robin!" He yelled before reaching him, watching him place Roland in Little John's capable hands, and the little boy buried his face in the crook of his neck, the little plush monkey squeezed between them. He waited a few moments for Little John to step away, and the next words he said in a low yet harsh whisper, gritted out between his teeth. "Have you gone mad?"_

_Robin sighed as he turned towards his newest recruit, knowing he was about to get an earful. Alan-a-Dale loved to pick his brain about every little thing, questioning him and second guessing his every move. Though he was very skilled with a sword and not bad with a bow and arrow, and could rob even the most skilled and trained guard blind, he still had a lot to learn about the 'honor' part of being a merry man. "Dale, I must." He kept his voice low, not wanting any of the strangers around them hearing. Yet his voice carried a more concerned tone and it seemed Dale noticed, because his outraged look turned skeptical. Robin noted his confusion and elaborated, turning his gaze towards the little boy now playing with the stuffed toy, bouncing on Little John's shoulders. "She just saved my boy's life! I owe her!"_

_Dale scoffed and lowered his voice even more, trying get his point across in the harshest tone possible while keeping others out of the conversation. "She's the Evil Queen." He almost spat out the tittle, saying it as if Robin hadn't noticed yet. "She ruined thousands of lives, she owes everybody!" Dale was almost red in the face._

_Robin just sighed again. "I know, I know." He said almost exasperated. "I know who she is and I know what she's done, but she just placed herself in front of a monster for my son." His eyes drifted in the direction the Queen had already started on, his eyes following her retreating form for a few silent seconds. He lost himself in thought, thinking about the way she smiled at his son. "I owe her." He repeated almost breathlessly. But he was snapped out of his daze by a hard shove to his shoulder._

_Dale looked at him incredulously, eyes wide and mouth agape. "Has she cursed you?"_

_Robin did a double take. "What? No!" But Dale just continued to stare at him as if he had grown to heads. "Look, despite everything I know, I just saw her save a child, almost out of instinct, with no agenda." He tried to explain as best as he could. "That flying beast was going for her and she saved Roland. She put him out of harm's way, and asked for nothing in return. That has to count for something."_

_Dale didn't look the least bit convinced, still staring at his leader with a skeptical look, his honey brown eyes darting from the road the Queen had disappeared on and him. But Robin had to hurry, he wanted to look out for any other beasts going after her, and she was a fair way ahead of him now. So he placed his hand on Dale's shoulder, hoping the other man wouldn't see the gesture as menacing or condescending, looking directly into the troubled man's eyes, a task not difficult to accomplish considering they were the same height, and tried to make him understand "It's just the right thing to do, Dale."_ _And took off._

 

* * *

 

 

The alarm kept beeping and beeping, louder and louder and vibrating noisily against the nightstand until she had no choice but to reach an arm out from under the warm cocoon of the blankets and covers and blindly try to shut it off. She succeeded after a few huffs of annoyance, and the room went silent again.

And it was blissful for a moment, closing her aching eyes again, before she started to contemplate why her eyes felt so puffy, and why she had the beginnings of a hangover. It hit her like a physical blow to the chest, a knot quickly forming in her throat, her eyes snapped open and she met the ceiling, and she wished more than anything that she could just go back to sleep and go back to blissful ignorance. She was really considering it, when the alarm went off on her phone again and she literally growled as she set up and went for her phone, needing to forget everything again, and the sound to stop hammering in her ears, but paused midway, remembering something more important.

She'd promised Henry she'd take him to breakfast before school. It was the only way he'd let her go back to the mansion without him. He'd been so afraid that she'd push him away again. So she'd promised it was just for one night, one night to process this whole mess alone. But Henry wouldn't budge, until his favorite breakfast at Granny's with her company was promised.

She sighed and turned off the alarm, pushing the covers off. The maddening pounding in her skull helped, it drowned out everything else as she tried to make it to the medicine cabinet in the adjacent bathroom without running into any furniture or walls. All she could think about was aspirin. No time to focus on heartache.

The hot shower took away the last remnants of the effects of her abuse of alcohol the night before, but she quickly regretted the aspirin. Now her mind was clear, and her chest was tight again. She started to remember everything more clearly. And her heart squeezed like a vice. It was as if it was happening again, her sister's smiling face, Robin's horrified eyes… And her hear clenched again. Robin…

Tears quickly started to mix with the warm water, and her hands clenched in her hair a bit too tight as she rinsed the shampoo off. It hurt, it really hurt. Her mind flooded with his face, his smile, the feeling of his arms wrapped around her tightly, his sweet manly voice, his tender eyes, and then it was all replaced by his harsh eyes, one hand outstretched towards her to keep her away from her sister, his voice reproaching in a way that it had never been directed at her.  _I'm with her!_  And she sobbed softly under the warm water.

His lips pulled in a disbelieving scowl and disgust at Zelena standing before them crossed her mind's eye, and she felt even worse. He's been betrayed too. And she might be in pain, but so was he. It hurt more this way. She knew what it felt like to be used as a pawn for somebody else's endgame, following somebody you thought wanted something good for you, but could care less. And he'd been used in the most awful way possible. And she cried harder, because he was in pain, her soulmate was in pain and she could almost feel it, and her arms craved to wrap him up in her arms and hold him. But the mere thought of him sent her almost crumbling to the ground in pain, because he didn't want her arms, he wanted Marian.

She thought he wanted her, had really chosen her, but he'd gone back to 'Marian'. And if even her soulmate wanted someone else above her, then what hope did she have for a happy ending. And she felt like a fool for believing it at all in the first place. For taking the bait and arguing until she was red in the face when he'd tried to get under her skin in the Enchanted Forest and he had that stupid smirk on his face. Hated herself for not putting her walls up higher and being so vulnerable –having to see Henry but him not remembering her was probably the hardest thing she's ever had to go through - and free falling for his dimples and caring eyes and the way her heart fluttered every time he presented her with a drink. For listening to Snow and going after him in the woods when he lost her heart. For letting him kiss her and make her forget who she was, believing she could be his second chance, and he hers. For letting him convince her the stars had finally aligned for them, in his arms in front of the fire.

Henry. She had to focus on Henry. She turned the faucet off and hurriedly got out of the shower, her hands trembling slightly as she wrapped herself up in a fluffy towel, trying not to focus on anything else. He'd gone back to her, eventually. Shared with another mother, but he was there, and wanted to come home sometimes, and spend time with her. She knew her worth, she knew that after everything she'd done, what little she got from her son was a miracle, because she didn't deserve him at all. Second best, because he still spent more time with the Charmings than with her, 'making up for lost time'. And she'd accepted it, anything for Henry. And she'd accepted that from Robin too, for a while, when 'Marian' had been under the frozen curse, she had let herself go in his arms despite him choosing his wife, and she had been willing to take any scraps he offered her, any affection to soothe her traumatized heart. And she had let herself believe every touch, every groan of her name and every kiss against her skin, all the while knowing she would be cast aside soon enough, when his wife woke up. But he didn't, he sought her out and had made her believe he wanted her despite who she was and had been, chose her over anybody else, and his loving eyes directed towards her despite his believed first love standing so close playing with their son had been the balm to her broken soul.

Once again she tried to reel her thoughts in and hurry up and get ready, or she would be late and she didn't want Henry having to rush his breakfast, eating quickly had always given him indigestion. Hair and make-up were done, concealing the redness of her eyes and she applied a bit of a darker shade on her eye brows than she usually did these days. She needed it today. She needed to look the strong and higher-than-though, intimidating Queen today. She didn't need anyone looking beneath the exterior today. Or any day, from now on if she could help it. She's had enough, no more heart to hearts. If she wasn't made for a happy ending, that's fine. She'll fight the author tooth and nail for Henry, for keeping him in her life no matter what, no matter how little, but it's the only thing she wouldn't give up on. Everything else, she didn't care anymore.

She'd had to run into the same wall like three different times, braking her heart and bleeding, but she finally got the message. As much as she didn't deserve a happy ending, she knows she doesn't have to stand there and watch her heart getting stomped on either. She'll try to regain as much as she can of her dignity, since she decided to give it up so easily for one man. Her soulmate… but he didn't want her, and she would learn to live with it, paying for her sins. Tears helped too, but not right now.

Clothes were next, and of course she could see the red dress out of the corner of her eye in her huge closet, no matter how much she tried to ignore it today. He'd barely gotten her out of it that night before-

Damn it! She needed to focus, she was late, very late. She was never late!

She quickly got some pantsuits out and a navy blue blouse, rushing to find the right set in her underwear drawer, a dark blue set and threw it on as fast as possible, careful with her hair and make-up, booted heels to go with the outfit and rushed out of the room, focusing on getting out of the house and to her son, and then to Emma so they could overlook Whale taking Zelena's blood samples at the jail and she could teach Emma how to reinforce the magic shield around the bars herself, just so she didn't have to see her sister's face every day until the end of time. She quickly climbed down the stairs, stopping at the closet to get a warm coat. Then she should go to her office, bury her head in work for a while. Yeah, it sounded like a busy enough day to keep her mind off of everything else. She could do this, she could hold it together, she'd shed enough tears and drowned in her sorrow –and finest liquors- enough last night to hold out for the day. And she probably would again when the day was over. But she would keep busy for as long as she could in the meantime.

"Regina?"

She squealed, startled, not even pondering on the improper sound that left her lips, but mortified that she had let someone surprise her, though a fireball had already formed in her hand out of instinct as she turned towards the intruder.

Dale raised his hands in a show of peace, her to-go coffee mug raised above him in his left hand, standing by her dining room and she had completely forgotten about him. He'd been here yesterday, had saved her from suffocating and then had helped her 'clean up', which really just consisted of him picking up a broken vase before she magiked everything back to its place and proper state as he stood there trying to lighten up the atmosphere with a bad joke about rich maids with magic.

Then he suggested a drink to calm her nerves, because she hadn't noticed she had been shaking. So she had led him to the living room, though he knew the way, had been in her house enough times in the past few weeks to know her first floor inside and out. And he'd poured them each a glass of bourbon after she dropped the whiskey bottle because of her shaking hands. And she'd been tense and rigid the first few glasses, because even though he'd been around a lot the past couple of months –she'd said no from the get go, but he'd told her he promised Robin to look after her- worming his way into her daily life, trying to get her to trust him and not be so wary of his presence in her life, they had never talked about anything serious, never mentioned the topic of Robin and Marian, only made small talk about her mayoral duties and him finding something he would like to get into since stealing for the poor wasn't necessary here. And she never asked why he agreed to look after the Evil Queen, too afraid that the little bit of Robin she had around would walk away.

And she had no intention of drinking so much, but then she had started laughing at his hopeless attempts at making her laugh and lighten up and forget, and after an hour of gulping down the liquid that burned her insides, she'd cried, and he'd listened. And she'd felt no shame in her inebriated state, and he'd pretended to be as drunk as her, but he'd only had a couple of glasses. He'd told her she deserved better and she had laughed, and cried some more, before deciding she needed to go to sleep, otherwise she wouldn't be able to get through breakfast with Henry. Dale had had to help her set up her alarm, and then she'd walked up the stairs as he stood at the foot of them, watching wearily as she almost stumbled back down twice.

"What are you still doing here?" She nearly yelled as she extinguished the flame in her hands. She did not need to see him right now, her face was already burning with embarrassment. She hadn't been in her right mind yesterday, am emotional mess and she didn't need anyone calling her out on it, she felt humiliated enough as it was.

He lowered his arms and took cautious steps towards her, seeing her temper burn and not wanting to piss her off anymore. "I just thought I'd stick around, in case something like yesterday happened again."

She gritted her teeth, burning holes into him with her glare. "I don't need a babysitter." She said carefully, unbelieving that he was still walking closer to her. Who did he think he was?

He stopped at an arm's length away from her, and stretched out his arm with her to-go mug. "It seemed like the right thing to do at the time." He wasn't being fair, he was offering her her favorite beverage, but she pushed the thought away, focusing instead on her anger, however misplaced it may be. "But you are right, and I apologize, milady."

What the hell was she supposed to say to that? He was being nice and she was being a bitch, and he just- what the hell? She was still burning from embarrassment, and anger and this was good, she wasn't feeling any pain, just keep distracted and get to Henry. She snatched the mug from his hand and didn't care he was a bit taller than her, even if she was in heels, and glared him down as she pulled the door open with probably more force than was necessary, stepping back for him to walk out first. "Don't call me that."

 

* * *

 

 

" _Don't call her that."_

_Dale scoffed at his leader's words. "Then what am I supposed to call her now? Miss Nice Queen?"_

_Robin stood back up from his crouching position where he'd just put down a heavy bag of supplies from the pile outside he and his men were moving in. Now at eye level with the other man, he looked at him exasperatedly, getting really tired of him on his back about the Queen ever since they'd arrived after the single was given to move in. "Look, I get it Dale, I get it because I personally spent many a day running from her black nights, and so much more." Dale opened his mouth to interrupt him, but Robin beat him to it. "But I also believe a person can change._ We _believe that people can change, it's our main principle! You wouldn't be with us otherwise!"_

" _But nobody can change that much!" Dale argued in a harsh whisper, outraged that his leader was willing to give someone so dark the time of day. "It could all be a trick! She's even got the prince and princess wrapped around her finger. Who knows what she's planning!"_

" _Yes, you are right, which is why we will continue to tread as carefully as possible. But consider the fact that her worst enemies are working alongside her. They shared a common interest, a child, and for him she turned her life around, it's a powerful love-"_

" _Love? You really believe she's capable of Love?"_

" _Look at her!" Robin wanted to yelled, pointing as discreetly as possible towards the Queen standing on the other side of the main entrance with the prince and princess and the woman with the red streaks in her hair, and they were talking about the security of the castle, he knew, but the Queen was looking into space, a solemn look on her face, the spark the encounter with the Wicked With had ignited long gone, and her jaw was set tight, lost in thought. "She lost her child. She's in pain. She's human." But Dale had his back to her and had no intention of turning around, until Robin looked at him almost menacingly and gritted out between clenched teeth, "Just look at her."_

_And Dale huffed and turned around, and looked at the Queen… really looked at her._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know how little Regina thinks of herself, how underserving she believes herself to be, and after everything that happened, I just know this is how she felt. And after he said he'd gotten her pregnant, I knew Regina deserved better. But I also saw that a lot of people were being sympathetic towards Robin. But I'm fully on Regin'as side. Let me know what you think, your reviews really mean a lot to me!


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

The man was always looking at her now, and that unnerved Robin, for a million reasons he'd rather not ponder on right now.

They had been in the ballroom celebrating the finding of the long lost princess Rapunzel, when he'd once again noticed. Music was playing gaily as people danced and twirled to it joyfully, forgetting the worries that weighed on the kingdom for a little while. Everyone laughed and cheered and smiled and the atmosphere was lighter than Robin had ever seen it.

Except around the Queen.

Robin watched from where he stood on the balcony as she walked languidly and aimlessly through the garden under the faint moonlight, her dress flowing around her, her heels clicking softly against the concrete trail, her hands clasped in front of her, head held high, back straight. To any onlooker they would see the Queen taking a leisure walk, maybe to get away from the commotion of the party.

But he knew better. He'd seen her face when Princess Rapunzel had been reunited with her parents. She had tried to hide it and since no one ever looked her way or paid any mind to her 'required' presence, she had almost succeeded. But he had glanced her way and stopped to see the deep pain in her eyes. And the next second it was gone and she was forcing a smile to her face, but he could see her jaw clench and eyes shine with tears she quickly pushed back. Little John had said something and he turned his attention back to his men, thankful they had all been too engrossed in watching the family reunion to notice him staring at the Queen,  _again_. Not including Dale.

The moment Robin turned to little John, he'd caught sight of his newest recruit staring at the Queen, a deep frown on his face, arms crossed in front of him tightly, observing her intensely.

They hadn't been at the castle long, but he had to admit: it had done Dale some good.

He'd quickly learned that not all royalty was the scorn of the earth, and had understood more than ever why they didn't stereotype people. He hadn't been questioning Robin as much as before, and his tone was now more curious than challenging. And so many other things that Robin thought would take him at least a year to work through. And while the Prince and Princess –Or King and Queen, he really didn't understand- had played a big part in opening his eyes, he knew he owed a lot of it to the Queen, Regina.

Robin knew, and had to repeat it to himself several times a day, that it was Dale's close observation of the newly reformed Queen that had made him change his mind about so many things. That his watching and studying her had quickly changed his demeanor towards her and the other royals, and the other merry men and himself. He'd seen things through a different light, and was probably still processing it all, and he was still watching, studying.

And Robin tried to remind himself that really, everyone was watching the Queen like a hawk, careful of her every move, still not trusting her fully, and she paid them no mind. And also, that he really had no place or say in anything related to her, and should not care at all about other people's eyes (especial men's) always on the Queen. Hypocritical really, when Robin had been watching her when he'd caught Dale.

He had a danced with a young, blonde woman first, smiling and swaying them gently to the music as she smiled back and he had concentrated on the tune of the music, trying to keep his mind and eyes away from the Queen. Concentrated on the joke's some of his merry men told as they spun his dance partner away from him and left him standing in the dance floor, only to be swept away by a young lady with dark brown hair, laughing the whole way.

He really enjoyed himself, but every other moment he'd caught himself searching the room for the Queen, absentmindedly surveying the ball room for her as he moved around to the music. She was in exactly the same place every time he spun a new dancing partner around. Sitting alone in the table where she and Princess Snow and her husband and the other council members had eaten. And it was when the young woman -Red, she'd said to call her- had been swept away by another dance partner and he found himself swaying with a lady much older than him but still enjoying herself immensely in the party, that he couldn't find it in himself to concentrate at all on what the woman was trying to talk to him about, because his eyes could no longer spot the Queen in the vicinity.

His body moved of its own accord to the beat of the music as his eyes still darted around trying to spot the Queen, his heartbeat suddenly speeding up and it had nothing to do with the exertion of dancing around. He managed to catch a flurry of silky, ice blue material leave through the doors leading to the gardens. When the old lady dancing with him laughed he forced a chuckle at the tale he barely caught snippets of, and a second later he had a new dancing partner in his arms, but his eyes and mind had still been elsewhere. Where did she go? Why did she leave? Was she all right? The scene of a family reuniting must have taken a toll on her; he had seen the heartbreak in her eyes, the longing, and worst of all, the defeat. And he had watched her simply stare into space with a distant look in her eyes as everyone else enjoyed themselves. Why hadn't he approached her sooner? Talked to her, maybe attempt to make her smile, even if it was just the little upturn of her lips she did that time with Roland, but it was beautiful all the same, watching her eyes light up even just a tiny bit. Maybe he should have asked her to a dance, lift her spirits a bit? Right, like she would ever dance with a thief of all peasants. His mind raced with a million thought s all revolving around the Queen and her lonely departure.

That particular melody ended and everyone erupted in cheers and applause, while he had turned away and headed to the balcony. So here he was, following her with his eyes, and he wanted to see her smile, he really did. And he vowed then that he would, somehow he would. He would take away that frown and bring that light back into her eyes. And he would do his best to keep her smiling, for his own selfish reasons, for all he wanted was that smile directed at him.

 

* * *

 

 

Of course he would be there, what made her think otherwise? He was still an honorable and responsible man, and there was still a woman pregnant with his child. Maybe. Most likely. Whale was still taking her blood samples.

She wasn't inside with them anymore though. She knew it was her pride, and her curiosity, wanting to know how big of a chance there was that her sister was actually pregnant, the reason she hadn't walked out the moment Robin arrived a few minutes after Whale showed up. She even managed to stay composed after Whale had started asking about their sex life, like a normal doctor's appointment and Zelena had looked her way, not even trying to hide her smug smile as she answered. But when her heart sunk and soared at the same time when Robin intervened and specified it had only been the one time, shooting her a pained and almost pleading look, and Zelena was smiling, she failed to see the need to stay any longer; the bracelet would do the work, her sister's magic was restrained, she didn't have to be in there, she'll hear about the results from Whale later.

Emma showed up just as she stepped out and closed the heavy door, a bit early to practice the barrier spell they had talked about, asking her about Henry and breakfast and the school bus, and though at one point in their lives it had annoyed her and she would have snapped saying she knew how to take care of her son, now it was only a sad pang that ran through her chest, but knowing well that she would be asking the same questions, capable parenting on Emma's part or not. After answering and guiding Emma through the spell she wondered, if Robin would have the same discussions with Zelena.

"Earth to her Royal Highness." Emma literally snapped her out of her thoughts by snapping her fingers in front of her face. "Is this right or am I going to blow up the whole psych ward?"

Regina scowled at the blonde and reached out with her magic to check her handy work. She crossed her arms over her chest again and rolled her eyes. "I doubt she'll punch through the wall. Just concentrate the energy around the door."

Emma did as she was told and after receiving an approving nod from Regina, smiled slightly to herself and looked down at her hands, still proud and surprised at her own abilities and control over them. But looking up at Regina again, her face grew somber again and now there were no more distractions standing between them to avoid the topic. Her voice was soft and careful when she asked "How are you doing?"

Regina frowned and glared at her, her arms crossed tightly in front of her in the most defensive stance Emma had seen on her in what seemed like forever, and her clipped response was even more disconcerting.

"I don't see how my personal feelings have anything to do with the lesson, Miss Swan."

Emma was quick to shake her head, taking a cautious step towards the other woman, undeterred by her cold demeanor and harsh eyes. "Don't do this," Regina looked away then, swallowing hard and glaring at the door instead. "You can't just…" Emma trailed off, watching as Regina trembled slightly, trying to hold herself together, and Emma frowned deeply, wishing she could do something, anything. Friends. They had become what she never thought the woman capable of, or herself, for that matter. And she'd practically promised her to bring happiness to her life, but it seemed she was the furthest from it than she had ever been. Still, they've been there for each other, she'd seen and been with her at her most vulnerable, something she knew Regina was quite incapable of doing with just anyone, and Regina had saved her from drowning in darkness, from murder, "You can't just shut me out, not after everything."

The brunette breathed in deeply, her voice coming out frailer than Emma had ever heard her and it broke her heart, to see the haughtiest, most proud and strong woman she had ever met, unable to even keep her voice in check anymore. "I know, just please," She looked up at Emma and her eyes were not harsh anymore, the façade gone, "Just not now, ok?"

Emma nodded, sighing heavily and looking towards the closed door again. She wished she could do more, help her, but Regina didn't exactly do 'heart to heart's, and she doubted there would ever be a 'later' like she'd implied. She would probably never hear about the topic again, and perhaps it was for the best. With her own turmoil going on in her heart and mind right now, she didn't know how much good she could do. Two broken pieces could hardly hold each other up.

There was a bang from the other side of the door, someone trying to push it open, and Emma raised her hands, disabling the spell and opening the door in a few moments time, again looking over at Regina for approval, but the other woman was back to her holier-than-thou stance, back straight and arms no longer braced in front of her as if to hold herself together, simply showing more power with how tall it made her look, and her face a hard mask again, taking a step back from the door to let Whale and Robin walk out and close the door behind them, her eyes on the doctor and not the other man.

"She seems to be in perfect health, but I won't know anything else until I get these samples tested." Whale said as he lifted the little glass collection tube filled with the thick red liquid that was her sister's blood. She half expected it to turn green any moment now. She inhaled deeply, keeping her focus on Whale even as her magic picked up on Emma successfully covering the door with magic, and also feel Robin hovering over her, having stepped too close but she would never step back from anyone, never. Never again. Not even if he a made her every muscle tense up and the hair on her skin stand on attention, or her heart race and made it difficult to keep her breathing normal.

There was a time when these were all feelings she breathed in and enjoyed, with how much of girl he made her feel again, giggling and pulling him closer to feel more. Now though, they were because he made her uneasy, too close, too warm, too much feeling she hadn't worked out yet, not ready to even look at him, her heart an open, gushing wound, and him so close was like salt.

So she missed the last bit of Whale's explanations, but he would call them when he had more concrete information, so she'll clarify then. And as he walked away through the hall, she felt a sense of dread wash over her. She'll call 'them'. Not Robin, 'them'. And she knew why they needed her around, but wondered if she could just let Emma do it. She had magic, she could handle this. She rolled her eyes inwardly. Who was she kidding? Next to Rumpelstiltskin, Regina was the only one in the town capable of holding down the fort when it came to magical dangers. Emma wasn't in complete control yet and the Dark One was off somewhere messing with the author -she had to get to that soon. And it was her sister, she was her next of kin and kind of had to be there, plus, she wouldn't put it past her sister to try something against her niece or nephew.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by Emma, asking her if she needed anything else. Her eyes meant different words though. She was giving her an out, to leave with her or make up something they needed to talk about, giving her permission to use her to get out of the conversation she knew would happen if she was left alone with Robin, a conversation she wasn't ready for, but at the same time quickly deciding that she wanted to get it over with.

"No Emma, I think the spell is working well."

The blonde nodded and barely acknowledged Robin with a nod, and there was that dread again, stronger now, and she didn't even know what to say, where to start, how she could start working through what happened, how they ever could. If they ever could. She was looking at the door, her head turned a little to the side away from him, staring at it as if to set it on fire with her gaze, but it blurred, tears suddenly marring her vision when he softly whispered her name, taking a step even closer to her, his warmth burning her side in the worst way and she wanted to scream, because she was shattering in her head, over and over again, loud and pained and tear filled and broken sobs of

_I can't do this…_

"Regina, I…" He trailed off, losing his words as well, and she hated that he was staring at her so intensely, knowing there was no way he wasn't seeing the water in her eyes and the scowl on her lips keeping her from letting out the watery sob that was stuck in her throat. When once he'd coaxed smiles and laughs and moans out of her, now there were sobs and frowns and tears she was trying to hold down. And she was really, really trying to focus, knowing she had to say something, watching out of the corner of her eye that he looked almost as broken as she felt, but all she could rally hear was him shouting at her, putting himself between her and another woman, ready to maybe fight to protect her, and her heart breaking, and it was one of the most painful things she had ever felt in her long, agonizing life. And she couldn't shake it off, and she couldn't hear anything over the rush of blood in her ears, over the scene playing over and over again in her mind's eye and she felt too raw, too open, and so, so betrayed. She couldn't do this, she was too hurt, and his closeness wasn't a comfort any longer, his scent was making her cringe and his voice was making her ache. He simply wasn't her sanctuary from the harsh punishing world anymore, he was part of that world.

"I-" She found her voice and the heavy silence between them was broken, and upon turning her head to be face to face, but still looking down and avoiding his eyes, he moved so close that she didn't dare move in fear that they would come into contact with each other and she would break. So close that when she raised her eyes she was looking only at his lips, inviting lips, slightly parted and she really just wanted to forget, to lean in and start over, anew, have him wrap his arms around her and soothe her pain, let her cry on his shoulder until she couldn't anymore and be ok again. And she wanted to comfort him too, run her fingers through his hair slowly and lightly caress his scalp with her nails until he purred and forgot about his worries too.

Worries like her sister and the possible baby…

And she looked down again, her momentary lapse in judgment gone and now remembering where she was and why. And it was because of her that they were here. Because Regina had enemies lurking in every corner and Robin and Roland had suffered for it. Yet another reason to rethink this. Time, yeah, she needed time to think things over, to – no, time wouldn't help a damn thing. She breathed in and got ready to speak, getting her resolve back, because time hadn't eased the pain of losing Daniel, it hadn't helped with the agony of being the King's personal whore, or with her mother's betrayal… no, time wouldn't do here.

"Regi-"

"I can't do this." She voiced her thoughts before he could his, because she didn't know if she could handle it if he spoke.

His face crumbled. She looked up just in time to see his eyes widen and his mouth drop. And the sheer heartbreak in his eyes made the tears in hers come back, spill over and run down her cheeks, and his hands came up to frame her face, a desperate look overtaking his features. "Regina, no."

She sobbed then, the dam breaking and her voice barely a tearful whisper. "I'm sorry Robin, I'm sorry. I can't."

His hands tightened slightly as he shook his head frantically and simultaneously bent down and pulled her up a bit so their foreheads were pressed together, a small whimper leaving his lips as he threaded his fingers in her hair to pull her even closer and his breath was so warm against her lips as he begged. "Regina please, we have to talk more about this, we have to try and work something out."

She sobbed harder, her whole body shaking with it and she brought her hands to wrap around his wrists, not sure if she wanted to push him off or pull him closer, so she held on tightly to his scorching skin, eyes screwed shut and absolutely dying inside as she heard his pleas and labored breathing hot against her lips.

The knot in her throat threatened to choke her, but she forced the words out, her sobs mixing with them and she couldn't even try and pull it together, barely breathing in between the constricting agony in her heart and throat. "I'm so sorry this happened to you,"  _Because of me_  she wanted to add but knew that it would bring up a whole new different type of talk that she was not delving into, ever. "And I wish-" a sob shook her whole body and one hand moved away from her hair and she let it go, trailing down to her back and he wanted to pull her into his arms, but she pulled away, using her hold on his other wrist to push him lightly and stepped back, his hand falling to his side, the other between them still held tightly in her grasp, his eyes pained and miserable, tears now leaving them.

She did manage after all, to get at least some of her bearings back, and she breathed in deeply, and said in a clearer more determined voice "I wish I could be there for you, I wish this hadn't happened." She looked to her right then, to the door covered in so much magic, shields and protections and soundproofing and burning energies, and her magical fingers came upon it, her fingertips grazing it as she envisioned their future, the surface tickling and cold. "But it did." She pictured ultrasounds where she stood outside, a baby (her niece or nephew) and Robin and Roland and her fighting with Zelena and a delivery where she probably helped Zelena. "And I'll be here."

She looked away from the door then, and turned to her hand around Robin's wrist. "But not like that." And she let him go.

That seemed to sober him up. She looked up and met his eyes, showing her hurt and trust, and acceptance. His face was scrunched up in a painful grimace, but he didn't say anything else, only looking towards the door like she had, and nodded sadly, as if accepting his mistakes, and understanding, things just couldn't be the same.

 

* * *

 

 

The author had screamed and cried when she snapped the quill in two, as if she'd broken one of his bones, but then again, it was probably an equivalent to it.

She poured herself a tall glass of red wine, gulping down half of it before putting the glass back down and sinking further into the couch, her face somber as she stared at the black TV screen reflecting her and her living room back.

Henry had gone to bed an hour ago, hugging her tight and saying he was proud of her. Her heart had jumped to her throat and she'd almost cried in happiness, and knew she made the right choice. For him. Again, and over and over again, and for now and always, for him. For her Prince. And the reward was him, and his love, and she knew everything was going to be all right.

She'd been so, so tempted, with the author in front of her and the quill in hand, and the realization that Lily's blood would do. With the author looking at the tapped together image of page 23, she'd thought that now was the time to get her happy ending. But her prince had texted her, an emoji of a very happy face, and the text reading that he'd gotten an A on the project. And their conversation at breakfast had rushed back, of him happily talking about baby Neal and Snow gushing over the baby and how much he cried, and the loft was just so noisy with everyone and that he loved spending time with them, but how he preferred being home for homework and school projects and quite dinners and- to be honest, her brain only registered the word 'home', and she'd had to rail her emotions in, smiling brightly and forgetting her heartache.

That text had had the same effect. She'd smiled at the phone, her fingers on her other hand going lax around the quill. Her mind wondered at the joy he brought her, and how far they've come. It hadn't been easy, but they were here now. And she quickly realized, she was about to make a huge mistake.

Rewriting history was not the answer. She should know by now that forcing someone to love you only ends in pain. And what she'd been about to do, it was just that. Rewriting history for a chance at a relationship that actually had a chance between her and her soulmate, would just be like locking all the windows and doors in the house and hoping Henry warmed up to her.

She wrote her own destiny; she had no right to dictate other's feelings though. That would never be real, if she had to force him to not hurt her like he had. It would be a sham. Reality was hurting like a bitch right now, but the happiness she had achieved with Henry was much more tangible and satisfactory than anything she could hope for from a rewrite.

So she snapped it, and brought Isaac to the sheriff's station, where Charming was sweaty and pale and explained how Emma pissed off Lily and they had to work with Maleficent to get her back to human form. Regina offered to check on Snow for any internal injuries or concussion, but was –dare she think it- proud to know Emma handle it.

She'd thought about seeing Mal, but was too emotionally exhausted to handle it today. So she got some coffee, a milkshake and doughnuts from Granny's and picked up Henry from school herself, calling Emma on the way to confirm that he was staying with her tonight.

And it had been blissful, laughing with him and cooking dinner while he did his homework in the kitchen to be close, and she'd told him what she'd decided about Robin, and the author, and he'd beamed. So she knew she was going to be fine, with Henry close and him wanting to stay the night and the rest of the week. Shewasgoing to be ok.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


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